I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
