Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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