I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
