there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
