I'm laying in your front yard are you home
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
