Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
