Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
