just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
