I can text with my tongue
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
