apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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