I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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