omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
