He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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