pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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