She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
