Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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