great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
