there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
