Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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