I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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