I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
