I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
