Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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