you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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