I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
