My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He uses pillows to masturbate.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
