I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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