so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
