We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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