guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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