apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
