Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
