I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
