so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The police scanner is talking about you again....
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
