the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
