last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
