I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize