my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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