new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
