I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
