im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
