I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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