why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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