I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
