even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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