Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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