Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
