She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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