You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
