uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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