I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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