when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
