K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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