you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
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