My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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