there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Randomize
