Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
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