we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
