i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
