Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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