I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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