i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
