I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
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